


you made a slow disaster out of me

by wasd



Category: Buzz (Korea Band), Super Junior, 아는 형님 | Knowing Bros | Ask Us Anything
Genre: Hand Jobs, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining, Platonic Kissing, Skinship, The Springtime of Youth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 12:01:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16325849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wasd/pseuds/wasd
Summary: If Kyunghoon really did that, Heechul is grudgingly impressed with him. Breaking up with one member and moving on to another without the band imploding is a power move that he doesn't expect, based on Yunho's stories of a goofy space cadet behind the vocal powerhouse.(or, the one where Kyunghoon kisses everyone, except Heechul)





	you made a slow disaster out of me

**Author's Note:**

> "gonna write some comedy for this comedy variety show to celebrate kyunghoon's birthday and buzz's debut!!" -me, three weeks ago  
> "i made a huge mistake" -me, ten days later
> 
> the timeline is a mess, the blame for which i'd like to put on the two dudes who barely interacted with each other for a decade. there are people and relationships mentioned and implied in this fic that aren't tagged, lmk if you'd like any of them tagged (and one named ~~plot device~~ original character)
> 
> title from 'you were a kindness' by the national, although, based on how much i listened to hong jin young's '사랑의 배터리' to keep me going as i wrote, i might as well have titled this "heechul's love battery is out of juice".

A headache is throbbing at the base of Heechul's skull. Inkigayo filming has been disrupted by several technical difficulties, the crowds of idols and production staff running around are grating on him, and his members are nowhere in sight where he can bug them. He needs a moment to himself and a cigarette or two, so he ducks out to the smoking pocket at the back of the studio. But he's not the first to seek sanctuary there: two members of Buzz are standing beside the room's lone potted palm, discussing something quietly.

Super Junior's greeted Buzz in a waiting room before, Jung-soo handing their leader a copy of their debut album like they'd been trained, and the band members were polite and nice, but Heechul's noted that they hang out by themselves, a clump of guitars and baggy jeans huddled in their own space, unnervingly unassuming for a group that's been winning the charts against nearly every idol that the big agencies have churned out. A part of Heechul wants to approach them, let them know how much they're loved, how much he loves their music, but it's losing against the bigger, more insistent part of him that wants to play it cool, cares about work and nothing else.

If he hadn't been told not to wander away for too long, if he didn't need the nicotine fix asap, Heechul will find a different spot where he can be alone with his own thoughts, so he's psyching himself up to grit his teeth and bear the inevitable small talk, when Son Sunghee ( _Guitarist, 82-line,_ Heechul's trivia-brain supplies) turns to Min Kyunghoon and kisses him.

Heechul takes an involuntary step back.

It's a gentle press of lips on lips. Heechul watches as Kyunghoon tilts his head and sinks into the kiss, prompting Sunghee's mouth to curl up at the edges at his enthusiasm. Their arms are loose at their sides, and the curling smoke from their respective cigarettes blurs their outlines in an almost-cinematic haze. The kiss is chaste, close-mouthed, not even a hint of teeth or tongue, but the closeness of their bodies, the practiced familiarity of their kissing, makes Heechul feel he's witnessing something filthier and more sensual than the JAV porn that gets passed around the trainee dorms. The dreamy look on Kyunghoon's face when the kiss ends, the suggestive gleam on his bottom lip that's the only evidence of Sunghee's kiss, fills Heechul with an ache too delicate to bear close scrutiny.

He has never needed that cigarette more.

A good actor knows how to time his entrance. Heechul counts to ten, then walks into the alcove, making sure that his footsteps are audible so that when he's in sight, Sunghee and Kyunghoon are at a more respectable distance apart.

They mumble greetings, Heechul waving away the lighter Sunghee offers in favor of his own, and settles into studiously puffing away in silence.

Glancing at his watch, Sunghee comments to Kyunghoon, "We're almost up."

Kyunghoon pouts; it's such a disarming look that Heechul abruptly exhales, smoke streaming from his nose like a dragon. Sunghee must have built up an immunity from prolonged exposure, because how else can he only laugh and say, "Let's not have a repeat of the radio show incident, ok?"

Sunghee tells Heechul, "We'll go ahead," and Kyunghoon echoes it, lowly. Heechul makes a non-committal noise in his throat.

Just as they exit the smoking pocket, Kyunghoon looks back. Heechul catches Kyunghoon's eyes and he, in turn, is caught by the earring glinting on Kyunghoon's left ear. It's a simple dark blue hoop, almost black when contrasted against the dangerously vulnerable curve of Kyunghoon's jaw.

He must be staring for too long. Kyunghoon's eyes widen and he stumbles into Sunghee, who catches him with a hand on his waist. His pink mouth rounds into an 'o'—

Kyunghoon's realized that Heechul had seen them.

 _I won't out you. I'm not an asshole, I just play one on TV,_ Heechul wants to snarl, and something of his annoyance must bleed into his expression, because Kyunghoon flinches, breaks eye contact as the two of them round the next corner and disappear from sight. It's too late for Heechul to reassure him that he won't tell, that their secret is safe with him, that he would be a hypocrite otherwise.

*

Heechul's the only member in the dorms when Donghae gets back from his festival MC gig. He's brimming with chatter about the artists that he's met, and Heechul magnanimously lets him talk his ear off as they sit down for a late snack of cold noodles and contraband beer. Most of the gossip Donghae passes on is already old news to him, but Heechul can tell that he's holding something back, something juicier than dull squabbles over rookies improperly greeting their sunbaes. 

Heechul waits until Donghae drains his second can of beer to poke his arm with a chopstick. "Whatever it is, spill. We don't have all night and I have a busy schedule later."

Donghae eyes the rest of the six-pack longingly. After a few false starts, encouraged by more jabs from Heechul's chopsticks, he whispers, "I think the vocalist of Buzz is dating his guitarist." 

Heechul eyes him sharply, but Donghae doesn't look disgusted or grossed-out, only worried, like saying their name will instantly summon Buzz to their tiny kitchen. Mollified, Heechul picks his words carefully, because for all that he denies being his dongsaengs' role model, it is important that he says the right things right now, not only for his own sake, but also for Han Geng, and others out there. Settles on a neutral, "Yeah, I know," and there it is, the silver lining of the memory of Kyunghoon flinching because of him. He can't break a promise he didn't make.

Relief smooths away the worry on Donghae's forehead at Heechul's calm affirmation. _So pure_ , Heechul thinks, fondness brimming against his will.

Now that he won't be betraying any confidences, Donghae says, "I didn't mean to walk in on them, but in my defense, Kyunghoon-ssi and Woohyun-ssi shouldn't have been kissing in the musicians' tent where anybody could see."

Heechul spews cold noodles all over the table. "Yoo—Yoon Woohyun?"

"The one with the hair who does the cool guitar solo in 'Thorn'," Donghae reminds him, like Heechul didn't listen to that song every day for months when it was released.

Heechul says, "I know, but—" then bites down on the rest of what he wants to say. Truthfully, he doesn't have a clue what the hell is happening. Doesn't know why Kyunghoon could be kissing Son Sunghee before their Inkigayo stage, then apparently be blithely making out with Yoon Woohyun at festivals.

If Kyunghoon really did that, Heechul is grudgingly impressed with him. Breaking up with one member and moving on to another without the band imploding is a power move that he doesn't expect, based on Yunho's stories of a goofy space cadet behind the vocal powerhouse.

Buzz's fans will be so disappointed that their sorrowful rock balladeer, who sings about thorns of love embedded in his heart, has wandering, wayward lips and a fickle, feckless heart.

*

When he hears the news about Buzz breaking up and Kyunghoon going solo, the unbidden thought comes to him, uncharitable and mean, that the member-hopping had something to do with it.

*

Putting his life on hold for the duration of his military enlistment involves a lot more paperwork than his seniors had told Heechul to expect. Too many contract extensions to sign in advance, endorsement deals to suspend, staffing arrangements to review, and medical clearances to endure. Having Gunhee with him at every step helps, but even he can carry only so much of Heechul's burdens.

Wrapping up his engagements for KBS finishes quicker than he'd thought, at least. He's got an hour to kill before his car comes back, so he walks the familiar corridors, poking his heads inside random waiting rooms to greet the people inside, with only the occasional gentle reminder from passing production staff that he shouldn't intrude into the ongoing shoot for Immortal Songs 2.

Finally, his phone vibrates with a message that his car is in the underground parking, and he neatly extracts himself from his chat with Shin Dong-yup. Mind full of the cats and Gunhee waiting for him back home, he doesn't notice that his feet have taken him down a circuitous path throughout the building until he's faced with a fire exit that he's not supposed to be facing. He does a u-turn, left turn, right turn, oops, a hallway where Immortal Songs 2 films, double back again and it's only because he's looking around for the elevator bank that he spots the figures standing behind a support pillar.

Three thoughts slam into him in quick succession: _the Buzz bassist is back from the military?_ and _not again_ and _jesus, that is entirely too much tongue_.

Because that's Min Kyunghoon and Shin Junki kissing there. They're mostly obscured by the bass guitar on Junki's back, but even with the new haircut and oversized sweater, Heechul can recognize Kyunghoon anywhere. Due to the shadows cast by the pillar, Heechul can barely see Junki's hands running up and down Kyunghoon's arms and Kyunghoon's hands fisted on Junki's guitar strap. He can, however, hear the wet smack of their lips moving together, Kyunghoon's rasping, wheezy exhales when they come up for air.

Once is an accident, twice a coincidence, but three times is practically stalking, with Heechul unwittingly cast in the role of the heavy-breathing peeping tom. It's not a role he particularly relishes. Heechul resists the urge to shout 'the KBS bathroom stalls have locks!' at them and hurries past without a second glance. He's got his own shit he needs to deal with.

*

At the barracks, the guy assigned to the bunk beside Heechul's, Choi Junyoung, had brought two photos with him to basic training: one, a selca with his dog Mi-Cha, and two, a laminated bromide cut-out of Min Kyunghoon. Both photos are displayed prominently in his locker.

Why is Heechul being haunted by Min Kyunghoon, a guy he's never exchanged more than ten words with despite being in the same industry for over five years? What is it about this man? Must Heechul consult a shaman or his birth chart?

Junyoung perks up when Heechul mentions the photo. He immediately regrets it; Junyoung's face glows with the passion of a true believer.

"Kyunghoon-ssi? He's the best! I cried so much when my first girlfriend broke up with me, but I heard 'You Don't Know Men' on the radio, and it was like the song was written just for me. The chorus was everything I wanted to tell her. Then I saw Kyunghoon-ssi and if he could sing about his pain in such a beautiful way, then for a guy like me—" Junyoung pounds his chest meaningfully.

For once in his life, Heechul is speechless.

Junyoung strokes bromide-Kyunghoon's cheek and beams at it. "He gives me so much strength. Ahh, I wish my next girlfriend will be like him."

One of the other recruits who's listening in—Heechul can't see who—yells, "Me too, hyung!"

Enlisting is a terrible idea. Perhaps MC Mong had been onto something with the habitual draft-dodging.

However, as his body and soul are dragged through the torture of basic training, Heechul begins to understand Junyoung. As the recruits stow their gear away after a long day in the mud, Heechul steals a few glances at Junyoung's locker, at the picture that doesn't do the real Kyunghoon justice, before crawling into bed.

During lights out, he stares up at the ceiling, trying not to think too much about everything good waiting for him at the end of the two years, if they'll still be waiting. Thinking about Kyunghoon is a decent diversion; he's not someone Heechul misses, but he's interesting enough to distract Heechul from the monotony of daily drills and formations. In his mind's eye, there's Kyunghoon, kissing Sunghee, kissing Woohyun, kissing Junki, unmindful of the whisper campaigns and side-eyes that can destroy even the strongest and most well-protected idols. Foolish, stupid, obnoxiously brave.

The fatigue must be worse than he thinks because, without meaning to, he drifts into a fantasy of Kyunghoon's long legs wrapped around his waist, guiding his hands—so good at handling microphones—to Heechul's crotch, testing the limits of Kyunghoon's famed lung capacity. Shockingly, his dick, resilient despite the odds, takes an interest in these mental images.

Motherfucker. Heechul turns over in his cot, lets the screaming pain in his back and knee kill his erection, and goes to sleep.

*

Buzz reunites, makes a comeback. Heechul hadn't expected either. In a title track of distilled, concentrated _han_ , Kyunghoon pleads hopelessly for someone to stay by his side. _I want you, as petty as that makes me._

Heechul can't help but think harshly, _For you,_ they _stayed,_ and the metallic bitterness dies in his throat.

*

When they're introduced, Kyunghoon flashes him the fuzzy smile of one stranger to another, nothing more apprehensive in it than the nerves of a guy who's new at being a fixed cast member on a variety show, and that answers Heechul's curiosity if Kyunghoon remembers their moment at the SBS smoking area.

(Tangentially, it also answers the question of whether Kyunghoon is psychic, because when they shake hands, Heechul's visceral thought of 'What would your grip feel like around my cock?' doesn't make him jump back.)

Maybe it's just Heechul who has an excellent memory and an Olympic gold medal in nursing grudges.

Not that thinking Kyunghoon is slutty for guitarists counts as a grudge against him.

(Is it a fetish? Why guitarists? Does he kiss other instrumentalists somewhere Heechul isn't there to see? Note to self: never leave Jungmo alone with Kyunghoon.)

There had been a perilous moment when Kim Sehwang had picked up the guitar at their "company noraebang" segment and played the blues and Heechul had turned to Kyunghoon, expecting—what? That Kyunghoon would vault over the table and tackle Sehwang to the floor? The thought is stupid as soon as it occurs to him.

Once he gets to know Kyunghoon better, Heechul lets go of the last of his old, irrational resentment against him. Kyunghoon is easy to like, the human equivalent of six Jack Russell terriers in a trenchcoat. He soaks up flattery like a thirsty plant but is diffident to the wooing of many JTBC producers who want to steal him from Knowing Brothers, bounces back from the obnoxious roughhousing that comprise Heechul's concept of how he should "take care" of variety rookies, willingly does the physical stunts that the metal wired to Heechul's bones won't let him do. So what if Heechul hears through the grapevine that all of Kyunghoon's bandmates are married or close to marrying? That hadn't been a factor. At all. Maybe ten percent, but it's residual sympathy only, and nothing else.

*

The stars align for a Knowing Brothers group dinner, and since he and Kyunghoon are coming from the same area, they agree to drive to the restaurant together. But at the last moment, Kyunghoon texts that he's running late re-recording vocals for Buzz, and offers to let him go ahead to the dinner, or drop by the recording studio and wait for him, his choice.

As if there's a universe where Heechul gives up the chance for a sneak peek into the next Buzz album so that he can referee the hyungs' version of Ssulzun. Hodong is guaranteed to be late, anyway.

 _It's just me and Yejun-hyung today,_ Kyunghoon texts. Which is good news for Heechul, because when he thinks about Kyunghoon's guitarists, his guts churn with a nauseating mix of defiance and guilt for all the secretly-mean thoughts he's had about them.

If Kim Yejun is bemused that Kyunghoon lets in a plus-one to a routine recording session, he doesn't show it, merely clears out a chair for Heechul to sit on.

Meanwhile, Kyunghoon stands there, with a faintly expectant air, and Heechul's not sure what he's waiting for until Yejun gets back from setting aside a guitar that had been on Heechul's chair and drops a chaste peck on the tip of his nose.

A tension in Kyunghoon's frame that Heechul hadn't even noticed drains away, and with great determination, he heads for the recording booth, idly patting Heechul's shoulder as he passes behind him.

The light bulb goes off in Heechul's brain, and he resists banging his head on the soundboard only because he doesn't want to give Yejun the impression that he needs an exorcism.

All these years—all this time— Kyunghoon hadn't been promiscuous, or polyamorous, not that there's anything wrong with either. It was _a pre-show ritual_. Similar to chants of "fighting~" or group hugs, taken to an extreme he supposes he should have expected from someone with Kyunghoon's personality. Now it makes sense why Sunghee was kissing him at SBS, why Donghae had seen him and Woohyun at the festival, why he and Junki had been wrapped up in each other so blatantly, apparently not giving a shit about public displays of affection. Because they had been public displays of affection, no doubt about it, but ones tied up in their band doing well, in taking care of their maknae vocalist, and there's no shame in that. 

Dizzy for no reason, Heechul mutters under his breath, "I didn't take you guys to be a superstitious bunch."

"Eh?" Yejun says, blinking at him as he settles beside Heechul in front of the soundboard. 

"The, uh, kissing," Heechul says, wanting to melt into the floor for calling attention to it. "I assume that it's a Buzz ritual?"

He feels a strong sense of déjà vu, a forceful reminder of his long-ago conversation with Donghae. Yejun must find the same yearning to understand in Heechul's face that Heechul found in Donghae, and lets his guard down.

"More of a Kyunghoon ritual. We only do that for him. It gets him into the right mindset before he sings," he says.

"That took me a while to figure out," Heechul admits.

"You've seen the others kiss him?" Yejun rolls his eyes and sighs the deep and weary sigh of a leader stuck with idiots for members (it's a sound Heechul's learned to tune out when Teukie does it). "When we were starting out, the other bands didn't care because everybody had their own pre-show rituals. Once we debuted, it was different. We had to keep him in one piece if we wanted to do well. But the world outside rock festivals was strange to us, it was hard to get used to." Heechul hums, sympathetic. Yejun talks without changing his impassive expression, busy tweaking knobs and switches on the board, but Heechul can sense that he cares, he cares quite a lot. The trajectories of his and Yejun's life may be staggeringly divergent, but hyungs hiding how much they fret and brood over their dongsaengs' welfare is a universal constant. "I've told them to keep it private so many times, but they always forgot. God, we were so young."

Heechul can imagine it. He's seen their stages when Kyunghoon was freshly of age, can imagine him much younger, less used to the spotlight. Chubby-cheeked Kyunghoon, not yet quite done growing into the features that would eventually make him notorious, run ragged by the burden of being Buzz's vocalist and frontman, juggling the lyrics he has to sing and the stage patter expected from the guy with the mic in his hand. Can imagine his members trying everything they can think of to get him to distract him from overthinking every stage. The first kiss must have been a shock, the equivalent of a pail of cold water dumped on his head. And it works, and they keep indulging him, and it even becomes fun, because Kyunghoon is infinitely kissable. When they kiss him, they're saying without saying, _calm down, stay in your head, we're here, we've got you, we're in this together._

"My wife gets it," Yejun continues, contemplative. "All of them understood why once they met Kyunghoon. Jin-yi enjoys teasing him about being so possessive of Woohyun when he's just time-sharing her husband."

Heechul snickers into his sleeve.

"Yah, stop talking about me and let's start recording," Kyunghoon interrupts over the loudspeaker, his hands on his waist.

Yejun flicks the mic on. "Why do you assume that we're talking about you?"

Kyunghoon's lips purse. Even with the glass and soundproofing separating them, his reddening cheeks stand out. He's visibly torn between wanting to insist he's right, and having to admit that he's a narcissist.

Heechul shares a conspiratorial look with Yejun, then coolly tells Kyunghoon, "Also, don't you like it when we talk about you?" He awards himself a gold star for causing Yejun to bark out a laugh, and another when Kyunghoon whines in protest, before dissolving into laughter.

*

Designated as the MC for an upcoming segment, Heechul flips through the cue cards one of the writers had handed him and mentally notes the bits where the hyungs are likely to derail the script. It pays to be prepared when what's at stake is an additional two to three hours of filming.

Sangmin is the first of the other members to return to the set. He's already dressed in the themed costume, checking out his make-up on his phone camera. The next one in is Kyunghoon, trailed by a manager clutching a tumbler of pear and ginger tea. Apparently, he's singing at a wedding of a friend tomorrow. Heechul watches his manager wheedle him into drinking the tea, and Kyunghoon acquiescing to a sip with a puckered frown. Kyunghoon may be preoccupied with reviewing his own cue cards, but did his manager really need to tip the tumbler oh-so-gently towards his mouth?

"Er, Heechul," Sangmin says, "your script's getting crushed." 

Heechul unclenches his fist, grins at Sangmin in thanks. From Sangmin's disturbed look, his grin has too many teeth in it.

Sangmin _mmm_ s as if mulling something, then tips his chin at Kyunghoon's direction. "You know, with how you terrorize him with the head voice—"

_Terrorize?_

...fair enough.

"—I thought he'd end up punching you or quitting. But you pick up on all the highlights, the important points of him, it's very good." Sangmin hesitates, then adds, "I guess you must have paid attention to Kyunghoon when he was on TV before, huh?"

A memory of Choi Junyoung's laminated bromide floats to the surface of Heechul's thoughts, and he says, "A lot of guys my age like him a lot," missing how Sangmin's eyes soften. "His antics are very memorable, hyung. Video compilations of his stage fails come up when you search his name."

"You've watched those?"

Heechul doesn't know where this is heading. Warily, he replies, "Not really. As I said, they're memorable."

Sangmin folds his arms and bobs his head, very reminiscent of the hard-ass producer he used to be that Heechul mentally CGs in a fur coat and gold chains. "You two should do a duet together," he declares: a complete non-sequitur.

Soogeun had said as much, weeks ago when they'd found out that Kyunghoon had signed on to be a celebrity singer for two different duet competition shows for the year. "Don't let the amateurs corner the market, Heechul! Capitalize on your talents!" he'd joked, and Heechul hadn't taken it seriously.

On the other hand, Sangmin actually has an ear for these things, an insight into and love for good music. Plus, Heechul can't deny that there's a twentysomething kid inside him dying to sing with _the vocalist of Buzz_ , who not only sang a World Cup cheer song, but more importantly, two opening songs for the Naruto animé. Then his musings screech to a halt, because—making music with Kyunghoon means writing songs with him, then recording songs with him, then (if Kyunghoon can be bothered to leave his house) performing songs with him. The Buzz members platonically kiss him; does Kyunghoon expect or want that from other artists he works with? Surely that's not the case. Something that scandalous would be difficult to keep under wraps. 

Heechul shakes his head to clear it of his increasingly-jumbled inner monologue, averts his gaze from the barely-there slickness of Kyunghoon's lips as he drains the last of his tea at his manager's urging. He tells Sangmin lightly, "Who knows what the future holds?" 

*

Soogeun cracks an excellently well-timed ad-lib, causing the cast and even the crew to burst out laughing. Kyunghoon's particularly tickled; he's folded into himself, one foot on the ground, the other on his seat. His nose is scrunched up and his eyes are bright with unshed tears. There are no signs of boredom, or indifference, or apathy; this is just Kyunghoon, ugly-laughing and enjoying himself wholly.

With his head burrowed in the crook of his elbow, Kyunghoon's neck stands out in stark relief. It's dotted with pinprick freckles, tiny constellations on paper-smooth skin, a mute invitation for a lover's mark, and the inside of Heechul's mouth dries up. Beneath the soundstage's hot lights, his t-shirt is suddenly uncomfortable, sticking damp to his back—

—want suffuses through Heechul, a burning heat that he should have noticed simmering under his skin for ages, for literal goddamn years, it's so strange but so familiar—

— _please kiss me, only me_ —

He shoves his clammy palms between his thighs and hopes to hell none of the cameras caught anything.

*

Being in love with Kyunghoon for real, not just to spice up overlong shoots and earn royalties for Clazziquai Project, isn't something Heechul enjoys. 

One, he isn't Kyunghoon's style. Heechul's not the kind to engage in pointless self-deprecation, is confident that he can usually transcend a person's limited conceptions of who they can be attracted to. But Kyunghoon is straightforward, to a degree distressing to anybody who's ever undergone the rigors of idol media training. He knows who he likes, and everybody can tell, too, making him a great target for Soogeun's pranks, since he lets himself get tricked every single time. The foolish courage, the lack of shame, that Heechul had attributed to him when they were younger is in full force if Kyunghoon's in the mood to flirt. Without question, if he's attracted to Heechul, he'd have slipped up or made it obvious, sooner rather than later.

Two, he knows what Kyunghoon worries about, every Thursday: unlike everybody else, he only has this show and Buzz. No matter how many jokes of his they keep in, no matter how many reaction shots of him they insert, no matter how much they encourage him to show off, Kyunghoon is always on the verge of demanding to know why they renew his contract, week after week. If, if, if, if it breaks, regardless of who'll do the breaking—Heechul will survive; mortally wounded, then scarred, then he'll be fine. Sadder, older, but essentially intact. He doesn't think he can say the same about Kyunghoon, who'll disappear from TV, will disappear from their group chats and their lives, because the circles he and Heechul move in hardly ever intersect, and once he's out of reach, Heechul will never see him again.

Maybe it's presumptuous, even defeatist, to imagine the end without even trying to start, but Heechul knows himself, what he's capable of. This either ends spectacularly poorly, or it should never begin.

Third, if they have to meet each other's friends while they date, Mithra may insult Kyunghoon again and consequently have to live in the wilderness to escape the wrath of Buzz fans.

In a last-ditch effort to ward off a mental breakdown, Heechul decides to do what he does best when he's cornered: he doubles down, escalates the teasing and bromancing, because if endless Pocky and pass-the-card games for variety shows and concerts to delight thousands of screaming fans had taught him anything, it's that skinship is its own form of exposure therapy.

(Gunhee: "Truly, what a master plan. tvN should cast you on the next season of The Genius with these foolproof tactics of yours.")

Contrary to popular belief, Heechul doesn't switch his brain off and his mouth on during the six to eight hours of filming Knowing Brothers. He's heeded Yoo Jae-suk's advice from a long time ago, that celebrities can get away with outrages to polite society as long as viewers are entertained, and calibrates his psycho act on the show not to cross lines that can't be forgiven.

Crossing lines with Kyunghoon is surprisingly effortless and effortlessly entertaining.

When he tells Hodong that cast members can become a couple too, looking right at Kyunghoon, he doesn't know if he did it to keep Soo-hyang comfortable, or to redirect Kyunghoon's interest off her.

He persists on spoiling Kyunghoon's attempts to sing seriously, secretly thrilled when their voices briefly overlap and blend brilliantly.

Even without him suggesting anything, Jin-kyung makes them pose together, which he interprets as "shove his knee into Kyunghoon's crotch and blatantly ogle his mouth".

He divides his act for the "Long Star King" skit bullying the hyungs and doting on Kyunghoon in equal measure.

He plays the Patrick Swayze to Kyunghoon's Demi Moore at the gun range, carefully minding his still-healing arm.

The hyungs' enjoyment of their maknae line's bromance encourages Heechul, but it's Kyunghoon's reaction that makes him try harder. Kyunghoon used to have a reputation for not reacting on broadcasts (he's heard Hodong and Shin Dong-yup complain about that) and it's a marvel to find out how easy it's been to win his smiles, his scowls, his annoyance and his admiration. How much _Heechul_ feels like he's conquered something insurmountable the more Kyunghoon lets his guard down.

And despite the variety experience gap between them, Kyunghoon does his best to roll with the change in their dynamic Heechul introduces. Even gets to turn the tables on him at times, like picking him over Solbi and declaring his love blindfolded during the Chuseok special. Heechul had offered up his hand knowing that the gaming callus on the carpal bone of his wrist is a dead giveaway that Kyunghoon isn't stroking Park Mi-sun's hand, so he's dumbfounded when Kyunghoon chooses him for his top two.

As they hug, Heechul repeats to him, over and over, "It was really my hand!", ignoring the soft flutter of happiness in his stomach, basking in Kyunghoon's wordless giggles that vibrate throughout both their frames.

Once Kyunghoon manages to control himself, Heechul asks, "What kind of vibe _did_ you get? I'll smack you if you say 'womanly'."

Kyunghoon doesn't answer right away, busy wiping his face with his handkerchief. Heechul watches the lines of his profile, refusing to be lost in wanting, and underneath the noise of Soogeun and Jo Hye-ryun goofing around, nearly misses Kyunghoon say, distracted, "I don't know. It just felt like I should pick you."

Heechul lets it go. This is him, growing up, trying not to push, trying not to hope.

*

The dreams, which he thought he'd left behind in the isolating, insular world of the army, come back with a vengeance.

Before, fantasy Kyunghoon had been an amalgamation, a make-believe construct of the hottest bits of their brief non-encounters stitched with pieces of Heechul's other kinks. That fantasy Kyunghoon bore no resemblance to the stranger that Kyunghoon had been.

Now, though. _Now_ he knows that Kyunghoon has a weak lower body, but is flexible beyond belief. He knows that Kyunghoon has a hairy chest and hairy legs, but during the time that Heechul's known him, has been persuaded at least twice into a full-body wax, which had made wearing textured clothes a nightmare for his ridiculously reactive skin. He knows that Kyunghoon will cook breakfast the morning after, that he won't go home with anyone once he's finished a bottle of soju, that he still knows all the words to Park Ji Yoon's 'Coming of Age Ceremony' and the steps to the accompanying dance he and Son Sunghee had learned for it.

As it happens, the real Kyunghoon does a lot more to light the fuse of Heechul's libido than the fantasy ever did. 

In bed, or in the shower, dick in hand, Heechul shuffles through safe memories of people he's actually fucked or fucked around with. But at the point of orgasm, his traitor brain, knowing exactly what it wants, swerves into dangerous territory by presenting him with a vivid image of Kyunghoon's dobok sliding down one shoulder to reveal his tightly-corded tricep as he'd practiced with nunchaku. It's Joseon dynasty-level soft porn bullshit, all the hotter because Kyunghoon in real life wears too many undershirts to show that much skin, and Heechul comes hard enough that semen splatters on his chin.

The Thursday after that shamefully hot orgasm, he has a hard time interacting with Kyunghoon like normal. He ends up fixating on the curve of Kyunghoon's ass, molding to his pants, as he bends over to do an elephant-nose spin—not ideal, considering the tightness of his own uniform. For the sake of the show's R-15 rating, Heechul directs all of his next ad-libs at Hodong and Soogeun, making sure that he doesn't trespass on Kyunghoon's desk.

When he lets his guard down, picking up Kyunghoon's water bottle to fidget with it, he brushes up against Kyunghoon's hand. He jerks away, dropping the bottle as though it had burst into flames. Only Kyunghoon notices, and he flinches.

It's a flinch Heechul recognizes too well.

He wants to grab Kyunghoon's hands, assure him that it's nothing he's done, but Kyunghoon has already shrunk back, pushing away from his desk and reorienting himself towards Janghoon. The distance makes Heechul's gut clench painfully, as though a cord connecting Kyunghoon to him had been yanked taut. 

He waits, and waits, and waits, jiggling his knee impatiently, and when the PDs call "cut" for a rest break, holds out his hand for Kyunghoon to take.

Much like Heebum when Heechul offers a treat after accidentally trodding on his tail, Kyunghoon stares at his hand warily—will this hurt again? should I trust you?—but eventually, places his fingers on the cup of Heechul's palm, because of course he yields to his hyung. Heechul tangles their fingers together, palm to palm, strokes his thumb over Kyunghoon's.

"Sorry about earlier, Kyunghoon, I got, uh, startled," he says, and as if by cue, his knee jerks, hitting the leg of his chair and causing him to wince.

Kyunghoon's apprehension immediately melts away. He bends forward, wide-eyed with worry, and asks, "Is it the rain?"

"Rain?" Heechul parrots. Is this about the weather or about, well, Asian superstar and noted ssireum fan Rain? It's hard to tell with Kyunghoon sometimes. 

"My physical therapist said that joints and muscles ache when there are changes in humidity." Kyunghoon gives Heechul a worried once-over. "Is your back bothering you? I still have some of the liniment she gave me in my bag if you want."

Oh. Instead of thinking that Heechul's a finicky jerk who arbitrarily withholds skinship, Kyunghoon's leapt right towards a rosier, more optimistic view of his behavior. A more virtuous man would have probably not have taken advantage, but Heechul readily admits to being kind of awful, so he'll take it.

(Bad idea to imagine with any detail where the combination of him, Kyunghoon, and a jar of sticky gel will go, especially now that the break's done and people are returning to the set. No convenient bathroom run for him.)

Heechul shakes his head. "Thanks for offering. I'm fine." Better than fine, now that Kyunghoon's seat is back in what Heechul likes to think is its proper place, even though some of the camera VJs disagree: excruciatingly close to Heechul. 

"Okay. You can tell me if something's bothering you, hyung," Kyunghoon offers.

 _A case of self-inflicted blue balls,_ Heechul thinks sourly to himself, but at least Kyunghoon's not letting go now.

*

Asking Kyunghoon to form a project group with him is definitely a form of regression or masochism.

Heechul doesn't regret it, though, when Kyunghoon nods eagerly and says _yes._

*

Kyunghoon doesn't kiss him when they're recording Sweet Dream.

Kyunghoon doesn't kiss him when they're recording the Knowing Brothers school song.

Kyunghoon doesn't kiss him when they perform their Norazo parody.

To be fair, Heechul doesn't kiss Kyunghoon either, but Heechul's not the one with the performance anxiety that can only be relieved with kissing, like Kyunghoon's a cursed fairy-tale princess awaiting her true love's kiss.

Well, true love's kiss is pushing it. Several strategic applications of alcohol had revealed that Kyunghoon isn't tragically wasting away for any of his members, or Tei, or Lee Seokhoon, or Sung Si-kyung, or Jung Kyung-ho, or Sam Okyere, or Solbi, or Soo-hyang, or Jin Se-yeon, or Kang Ye-won. The list had taken a while to get 100% crossed-out. Luckily, Kyunghoon is a sucker for a free meal and Heechul needling him to visit him in Seoul on his off-days.

He doesn't think back too often to the aftermath of this one drinking session. He'd called Kyunghoon to make sure he got home safe, and Kyunghoon must have been brooding over that night's discussion on the hardships of secret dating, because, after the slurred reassurances and bursts of hiccuping snickers:

"I kissed him, for real, once," Kyunghoon breathes into the line.

Heechul's jaw drops. Hurriedly, he says, "Kyunghoon, you're drunk, don't say anything you'll regret," but Kyunghoon's mind is already somewhere far away.

"We were at the beach, there was a bonfire, and I thought—Junki-hyung's always been there for me, you know? Even without the band, even if it was just the two of us stuck in that awful agency. But when we kissed, it didn't feel like anything, hyung."

"Kyunghoon—"

"He told me that we didn't need to be in a relationship for him not to leave me." The detachment with which Kyunghoon is confessing lances sharply through Heechul more than actual tears would have. "And I got so angry at him, because I knew that, I knew that what I felt for him wasn't romantic, but I was tired of people leaving me that I wanted to take this chance with Junki-hyung. Look where that got me. After him, there seems to be no point in trying at all."

Feeling entirely out of his depth, and also not sober enough, Heechul can't respond. The hand that's not holding his phone is trembling.

Kyunghoon hiccups, the connection crackling, and says, "You're a good listener, hyung. Good night," and disconnects the call.

The next day, Kyunghoon doesn't remember their conversation, and Heechul doesn't forget.

*

Someone—he's willing to bet it's Hyukjae or Shindong, those interfering busybodies—puts Buzz's "Coward" on Super Junior's shared warm-up playlist.

"That's not even one of their pump-up jams!" Heechul yells, his voice rising above the din of their rehearsal room.

"Hey, I think I still have the drum parts of this song memorized," Siwon remarks, which, good for him, but is completely beside the point Heechul is trying to make—

"—which is?" asks Teukie, who's abdicated his role as group leader by failing to stop Hyukjae and Shindong from choreographing a slowed-down pop-and-lock dance to the chorus. It's a surprisingly compelling routine, which Heechul would have filmed so he can have a video to mess with Kyunghoon, except that he can tell they're recreating the scene in the Sweet Dream MV where Kyunghoon (played by Hyukjae) is pining after Heechul (played by Shindong) pining after Momo (played by Yesung, who's ignoring them to finish his stretches). Kyunghoon has a tendency to ask inconvenient questions, and Heechul doesn't have an answer to _what's this for?_ that isn't _my team finds it funny that I'm not Kim "Three Months or Three Weeks, Place Your Bets" Heechul anymore._

"This isn't _cowardice_."

"Nobody said it was."

"I resent the implication that I'm being cowardly about Kyunghoon."

"Nobody was implying anything."

"I sing that to him as a joke."

"It's very funny."

"You're not taking me seriously."

"We are," Teukie chirpily assures him. "We've made sure to take your feelings into consideration, which is why I vetoed Hyukjae when he suggested that we add 'Tree' to the playlist. Our group believes in nudging people towards the right path, not pushing them out a window."

"I'll push _you_ out a window," Heechul manages, but it's a weak comeback, and Teukie knows it. Defeated, he slumps against Teukie's side and they watch in silence as Hyukjae and Shindong drag Yesung and Donghae into the climactic guitar solo, Siwon contributing air drums for dramatic effect.

"What the fuck do I do," Heechul groans, and Teukie snorts, shoots back, "You're the universe big star, Heechul, you know what to do."

*

Winter comes, and with it, Kyunghoon's shy offer to the Knowing Brothers cast and crew of complimentary tickets to Buzz's national tour. Every year, some of the camera crew and production interns happily accept, and Youngchul or Janghoon or Jang Sung Kyu will go if they have a free day, but Heechul's own schedule has too many conflicts during the season. He can't resent it, is grateful for the work that he gets, and he won't trade time spent with his sister's family for the world.

Even though Kyunghoon understands why he can't go and doesn't appear to be disappointed about Heechul's continuing non-attendance, Heechul resolves to make up for it by texting Kyunghoon supportive messages for all of his touring dates.

The week's episode has wrapped, the guests sent off with good cheer and boxes of PPL tea. Heechul's about to head to the waiting room, when Kyunghoon motions for him to stay back, at an out-of-the-way alcove in the soundstage out of earshot of the staff packing up for the night. Kyunghoon says, "Ah, hyung..." then trails off, chewing the inside of his cheek.

His curiosity piqued, Heechul prompts him, "What's up, Kyunghoon?"

"I know you can't go to a Buzz show—" Kyunghoon holds out both hands, and automatically, Heechul twines their fingers, "—but would you like to visit us when we rehearse?"

"Your rehearsal?" Heechul can hear his voice squeak, feels an unusual blushing heat creep up his face. But Kyunghoon's starting to look offended? discomfited? by Heechul's reaction, so he keeps a firm grasp on Kyunghoon and says, "Of course. I'll have to check my calendar, but yeah. Would that be cool with your members?"

Kyunghoon tilts his head, smiles fleetingly, a twist of his lips layered with meanings that Heechul can't even begin to parse. "Don't worry about my members, it'll be fine."

*

The Buzz members do appear to be fine with Heechul showing up at their practice, taking in his presence with the same polite, deadpan acceptance of their leader. Despite this, judging from the mild alarm the agency reps can't hide at the sight of him, Heechul suspects that Kyunghoon bringing his friends to private Buzz activities isn't normal. Doesn't get a chance to ask, as Kyunghoon's manager ushers him to the front row of the little theater they've rented out. Heechul's privately glad he hadn't brought his Kims with him; there isn't much space here.

Their tour is obviously of a different scale than Heechul's used to, with a stripped-down set and no elaborate lighting rigs or hydraulic platforms, but there's a similar rhythm to the moving parts, black-shirted people with clipboards barking instructions into headsets and a token photographer documenting the preparation for SNS. Heechul does his best to stay out of the way, knowing that even offers to help carry amplifiers and stands around will mess with the crew's system.

A conscientious host, Kyunghoon checks up on him a couple of times, before he's pulled into what appears to be a long-running dispute with whoever's in charge of wardrobe. As he's dragged into the wings, Kyunghoon waves frantically at Junki, who looks between him and Heechul, and then—

"Oh my god, you don't have to babysit me," Heechul says, mortified.

Laughing, Junki plops down on the floor in front of Heechul, back against the baseboard of the stage apron, and folds his body up into a ball. It's a very Kyunghoon move; maybe Kyunghoon picked it up from him. "It's cool, I don't have much to do until soundcheck. Sorry, we're really super boring people, this was probably not the rock-and-roll excitement you were hoping for." 

Shaking his head, Heechul says, "It's very relaxing. Thank you for letting Kyunghoon invite me, I know bands can be sensitive about strangers barging into rehearsals."

Junki's eyes crinkle up in the corners. "We're sensitive about many things, but that's not one of them. How does your show put it—Kyunghoon is in the top 3 most stubborn artists in Korea? Something like that. He does what he wants. Oops, wait a moment, I need to answer this text."

While Junki is distracted by his phone, Heechul studies him. Here, in the flesh, is the consequence of Kyunghoon's choices. Junki is proof that it's possible to remain at Kyunghoon's side without fucking it up with feelings. Heechul envies him, able to transform Kyunghoon's consuming love into an enduring friendship. It's Heechul's problem that he can't let go of _we can be so good together_ without any regrets, that he can't accept that the swan song had been written long before he had wanted to sing it.

Setting his phone aside, Junki pushes back the brim of his cap and peers up at Heechul with a disconcerting bird-like regard. "This is a bit forward, but was Yejun-hyung right in assuming that you thought me and Kyunghoon were together?"

Holy shit, Kim Yejun is a scary telepathic _cop_.

Junki pats Heechul's leg comfortingly. "He told me about your conversation. The other members always go to me about these things when it's about Kyunghoon." Okay, Heechul has absolutely no right to feel jealous about that.

"Yes," Heechul gives in, only because Junki's eyes are very kind and understanding. "But Kyunghoon, ah, he told me that you never were together."

Junki raises his eyebrows. "He did?"

Defensive on Kyunghoon's behalf, Heechul hurriedly says, "He was very drunk."

"Ah. He does that," sighs Junki. "He's stupid when he drinks." 

Kyunghoon's slurred words reverberate in Heechul's ears: _After him, there seems to be no point in trying at all._ Kyunghoon can almost be criminally pathological with the trashy drivel that comes out his mouth, but he hadn't sounded like he was joking. Alcohol is a powerful truth serum.

Suddenly overcome with remorse, Heechul stands to bow, halted only by Junki's alarmed head-shaking, and settles for a self-reflecting grimace. "I'm very sorry about making that insinuation about you guys." _And also for sort of invading your privacy in 2011, and for calling Buzz a band of Kyunghoon's leftovers that time I was deeply unhappy and got really wasted by myself,_ he adds silently. "It's none of my business."

"Isn't it?" Junki asks, surprised. Heechul doesn't have a response to that. 

Up on the stage, people are clearing out, and the other members of Buzz are positioning themselves alongside their gear. Junki isn't minding what's happening behind him, acutely focused on Heechul, as if attempting to solve some riddle written on his skin. Heechul's not sure he wants to be figured out by him. 

Finally, Woohyun calls for Junki, and with a salute to Heechul, Junki clambers onstage and shuffles to his area. Looking up from his mic stand, Kyunghoon catches Heechul's eyes. He smiles, waves and Heechul waves back, glad that, with the house lights off, the seats are plunged in too much shadow for Kyunghoon to see his red face.

As Kyunghoon surveys his members' preparations, Junki motions for Kyunghoon to move away from the pickup range of the mic, and whispers into his ear. Kyunghoon licks his lips, says something back, face blank. Apparently unsatisfied with his response, Junki shakes his head, a hard _no_ , and holds out a fist. Kyunghoon eyes it—and Junki—with narrow-eyed suspicion, then gamely fistbumps him. Kyunghoon heads to Sunghee, who's waiting for him with a double fistbump, his wedding ring catching the light; Yejun taps a quick beat on Kyunghoon's knuckles with his drumsticks, and Kyunghoon and Woohyun fail to connect their first three tries before Junki physically pulls their hands together. 

Watching them, Heechul senses an unsettling solemnity permeating the entire ceremony, but the aura dissipates quickly, and they're all relaxed when the keyboardist plays the opening bars of "Just One".

Concerts rehearsals are tedious, especially when live instruments are involved, Heechul knows, but Buzz has somehow elevated the soundcheck into an art form. As they run each song in their set list, a member will halt the music, give instructions for adjustments to the waiting sound engineers and technicians, then cue to play on when he's satisfied. Kyunghoon, in particular, is constantly fiddling with his mixer, signaling to the sound engineer in the booth with every change in texture, pitch, color of his vocals.

They've been playing together for 15 years (give or take their eight-year hiatus) and it shows in how fluidly the band picks up at the exact note where they'd left off, Yejun keeping them steady on the beat, and Kyunghoon timing his vocals so the guitars can test out their improvisations. The guys don't even need to talk to each other much, apart from Kyunghoon calling the songs from the list taped to his wedge monitor.

Which makes it odd that, when Kyunghoon says, "Now we're going to perform 'Love Comes From The Heart Part One'," Sunghee's guitar emits an atonal offended-cat creak.

"Really?" he asks Kyunghoon, his skepticism audible even without the assist of a mic.

"Kyunghoon-ssi," the sound engineer calls out over the PA system, "we don't have the levels for that song programmed."

Kyunghoon replies, "Noona, just use the default settings."

There's a pause. Heechul imagines that the sound engineer is thinking the same thing that he is: _Have you been replaced by a pod person in the last minute?_

Woohyun glances at Kyunghoon, then speaks into his mic. "Yes, what Kyunghoon said. The default settings will be alright." Out of the corner of his eye, Heechul can see Sunghee do the universal gesture for 'you're paying for the next round' at Kyunghoon.

"Um, sure," the sound engineer says, and clicks off.

Heechul hears Yejun say from the back, very faintly, "Lucky for you I saved the drum tabs for this in my laptop," while Sunghee swaps out his electric guitar for the acoustic one, and the keyboardist and the chorus move aside. Weirdly, Kyunghoon turns towards the audience, currently composed of serious-faced theater security, loitering crew members, and Heechul, as he says to nobody in particular, "I hope I can sing this properly."

 _Why sing it then?_ wonders Heechul, as Woohyun counts them in.

Unlike their other songs, Buzz plays 'Love Comes From The Heart Part One' through, no pauses or interruptions. Heechul can tell that the members hadn't practiced the song extensively, fingers faltering on strings and Yejun going slightly off-tempo, but, despite the fatigue of the past four hours and the sweat running down his temples, Kyunghoon's voice soars up to the rafters.

And like that, Heechul is transported to his old bedroom in Gangwon-do, laboriously fingerpicking the chords of Muhangwedo's "To You", too young to understand what Shin Hae-chul had meant when he, as a young man himself, wrote, _Even if I forget everything that I love, I can't give you up._

He does now.

When they finish, the people in the theater burst into applause, Heechul included. The house lights are turned back on, the members bow, mumble their thanks, and Kyunghoon, oblivious to his team, sidles past the crew swarming the equipment, and makes a beeline for— _him_.

Kyunghoon squats down near the edge of the stage, a little too abruptly, and instinctively, Heechul gets up and grips his knees to keep him from tipping over into the seats. Kyunghoon beams at him, eyes nearly dark crescent moons from happiness, and the impulse to hug him is so strong Heechul's arms ache from stopping himself.

"That was awesome. If your soundcheck's like that, I'm sure your tour will be a success, as usual," he says.

"I hope so. Thank you." Kyunghoon wiggles in place, embarrassed at the praise but so, so pleased. "Um, are you doing anything after? We'll be going out for dinner and drinks, the theater people said there's a Japanese ramen place down the street."

Bitterly cursing Label SJ for their inopportune Super Show planning meetings, Heechul frowns reluctantly. "Sorry, Kyunghoon. I have a schedule right after this."

Kyunghoon's brightness dims, but he musters up an understanding nod. 

Heechul thinks, _I'll pay for this later_ , at his back and knee, and straining on his tiptoes, throws his arms around Kyunghoon in an enveloping hug. It's an awkward position for them both, the edge of the stage digging into Heechul's sternum and Kyunghoon's spine probably killing him from the extreme contortion, but they stay there, clutching each other, in a quiet too profound for the outside world to touch. He tucks himself into the musky warmth behind Kyunghoon's ear, murmurs, "Thank you for inviting me," only because what he truly wants to say— _thank you for the gift of you_ —is insufficient for the brilliant universe Kyunghoon continues to open up for him. 

*

Kyunghoon doesn't kiss him when they record Aftereffects.

*

Five minutes to their "Aftereffects" live stage. 

Heechul's standing at the edge of the set, letting the sound crew do their final adjustments, when Kyunghoon comes back from wherever he'd done his vocal exercises and prayers. His collar is sticking up at the back, so to spare Kyunghoon's stylist, Heechul beckons him closer and folds the fabric down. The back of his hand brushes up the neatly-shorn ends of Kyunghoon's hair—Heechul can't suppress his shiver and tries to cover up for it with a cough. "Don't forget. It's 'long goodbye', not 'long gugu'," he reminds Kyunghoon, mock-sternly.

"I'm not going to flub our song," says Kyunghoon, the world's most sulky 33-year-old man. With the hand not holding his mic, he plucks Heechul's wrist from where it had been draped over Kyunghoon's shoulder, and links his fingers with Heechul's, like they always do.

Kyunghoon's hand is cold in his. His lips, however, are so warm. By design or accident, his kiss lands just at the edge of Heechul's mouth, neatly avoiding the gloss Heechul's make-up artist had painstakingly put on. It's over in a heartbeat, Kyunghoon letting go, striding out to the stage to a chorus of cheers from their hyungs and guests without a look back at the miniature devastation he's just wreaked.

A sound tech, kneeling at Heechul's feet, goes about adjusting the receiver pack for his monitor without a fuss. Heechul stares hard at the top of his head, wants to shake him by the shoulders and shriek, "Did you fucking see that shit he pulled?!" but the floor director's flashing the signal for one minute and that's barely enough time to rush out after Kyunghoon, own mic in hand.

Only hard-earned professionalism gets Heechul through the song. At several points, he can feel Kyunghoon's heavy gaze on him, and it's only natural that they maintain eye contact when they harmonize, but Heechul concentrates on the lyrics, on keeping his voice stable and clear, on matching the heart-wrenching agony that Kyunghoon infuses into his singing.

The last one's the easiest. 

*

What with filming three different endings for the three team's potential victories, they wrap up the Seollal special at 2 a.m. Heechul begs off from Janghoon's invitation for a nightcap, waits until Hodong and Youngchul leave their shared waiting room, both with early schedules as soon as the sun rises, to shuck off his jacket and scrub off his make-up. It's not their longest shoot ever, or their most physically demanding, but he already wants to go home, gather up his pets into comforting blankets on his lap and bury his disappointment in games until his eyes dry up.

He's slumped on the sofa, sinking into a light doze, when he feels a light tap on his forearm. Blinking rapidly, he straightens. His make-up artist is hovering over him, and she points to the doorway, where Kyunghoon, coat off but otherwise still in his shirtsleeves and dress pants, is standing.

Kyunghoon eyes Heechul's Kims with trepidation and says, stilted and formal like it's 2015 again, "Heechul-hyung, may I talk to you in private?"

Heechul wants to refuse, but the _go away_ is trapped behind his teeth. He can't even deny Kyunghoon this. Ignoring the barely-muffled gasps from his Kims, he heaves himself up and follows Kyunghoon to his empty waiting room. Each footfall is a drop of poisonous dread pumping through his veins. When the door closes behind them, Heechul props his hip on the make-up counter, folding his arms across his chest, hunching protectively into himself.

"About what happened earlier—" Kyunghoon starts, and Heechul's— it's too much, he's worn thin and heartsick, and he raises his arm, cutting Kyunghoon off. 

"I get it," Heechul's mouth says before his brain can catch up. He hates how he sounds, unsentimental and cold, hates how Kyunghoon's eyes cloud over with hurt, but for once, Heechul can't bring himself to tread lightly for his sake. "Yejun-ssi told me about your ritual. You were nervous, it happens. But don't ever kiss me again when you don't mean it."

He'd barely heard the applause when their stage had ended, going on autopilot to accept the compliments shouted by the hyungs and their friends, unhappy, and disgusted with his unhappiness. However, he had heard Song Eunyi observing, "Kyunghoon, you become so unapproachable when you sing."

Yet, to Heechul, singing is as close as he can get to carving out a space for himself inside Kyunghoon. It doesn't matter if it's in a dingy noraebang or on a live stage or during a game of Songstagram; if it's rock or ballad or trot or pop. Music is the foundation on which variety and gaming had built their relationship. But he knows he won't be able to tolerate singing with Kyunghoon anymore if Kyunghoon's unthinking friendly kissing turns into their habit. A part of him is flattered that Kyunghoon has grown comfortable enough to rely on him, looks to him for support and care, the kind that he'd apparently only seek from hyungs he can trust. Mostly, he just feels sick.

It's meaningless, as Janghoon likes to say. He only has to look at the _BUZZ_ embossed on Kyunghoon's in-ears to affirm that.

After a long silence, Kyunghoon mumbles, "fuck, I did it wrong. Junki-hyung was right." He gulps, his lips pinching into a thin line and his shoulders straightening, as he does when he's called to center stage to beat a guest at their talent, and moves to stand in front of Heechul.

Kyunghoon brushes his fingertips over Heechul's eyelids, and, thrown off-balance, but obedient to the unspoken request, Heechul closes his eyes. Placing his unsteady palms on Heechul's chest, Kyunghoon says, a nervous lilt to his tone, "Hyung, 'You make it clear when you like someone and your confessions of love never fail. How do you confess your love to someone, to succeed 100%?'"

Heechul's whole body goes hot. 

That 100th episode filming day with his members had been shouty chaos, everyone doing their damndest to spill secrets and inflict as much collateral damage as possible, all hopes for a dignified promotion of 'Black Suit' trashed. Kyunghoon had been subdued, unremarkable behavior from him when a boy group shows up, and Heechul hadn't presumed to think that even Super Junior would engage him more than usual. The aired episode confirmed his suspicions: what with Yesung and Hodong, and the parade of team-kills, Kyunghoon had gotten bare minimum airtime during the talk-show part. (Although, much later, Hyukjae had flashed Heechul two approving thumbs up, having managed to strike up a conversation with Kyunghoon during "Guess About Me", the contents of which he refused to divulge to Heechul.)

But unbeknownst to Heechul, Kyunghoon had been paying attention. Had weathered the typhoon of lies his members had conjured up, catching the speck of truth at its eye about how Heechul can be an idiot when he wants someone; confident, yes, and fearless, but paralyzed when it counts, unable to close that last intimate inch separating him from someone he wants. Kyunghoon had seen all of this, and carried the memory, word for word, inside him for months, and took that final step forward to meet him.

Heechul's entire world shifts. Glad that his eyes are shut, he answers, "'Let's date each other. I'll keep my eyes closed. Kiss me if you want to.'" His voice breaks on the last line. "'If you don't like me, leave.'"

There's a rustling of cloth, a wash of displaced air, honey oil and the iced Americanos Kyunghoon is obsessed with; this time, Kyunghoon's aim is true—his lips are a careful feather-light pressure on Heechul's lips. 

Heechul opens his eyes, eases back, slowly, to make sure that Kyunghoon's hands remain where they are. It's the hardest thing he's done, but the wobbly squishy tender parts of him, frantically holding on to the last shreds of his dignity, depend on the right answer. "We're not singing again," he clarifies.

"Yes," Kyunghoon says absently, intent on Heechul's mouth.

"This isn't you needing to get talked off a ledge, or to calm down or chill."

Kyunghoon blushing is even prettier up close. "Some parts of me need to calm down," he says, and Heechul files that under 'promising', and 'soon'.

"So you kissed me because you want to kiss me."

Kyunghoon dimples at him. "I've always wanted to kiss you."

"You fucking liar!" Heechul exclaims, delighted with his unmitigated gall, and reels him back in by his belt hoops—fuck talking this out, they can do the dewy-eyed confessions later. His teeth glance against Kyunghoon's staccato pulse, quick layover to lick at Kyunghoon's Adam apple, before he heads upwards to his final destination.

Heechul holds on to him tightly, his tongue tracing the seam of Kyunghoon's lush, waiting mouth, begging to be let in. When Kyunghoon opens his mouth, they both shudder. The time for schoolboy pecks between sweethearts is over. This kiss is insistent, enthusiastic, maddening. Heechul somehow dredges up enough of his wits to steer Kyunghoon back—Kyunghoon lets him—until they're against the nearest wall, and with the additional leverage, he deepens the kiss, delving for the taste of spring, of waking up from a deep sleep, of finding precious treasure after years of searching.

While Heechul's left hand is splayed on the small of Kyunghoon's back, the right buried in his hair, Kyunghoon's arms are still pinned between them. Heechul takes advantage of this and slides his left hand around Kyunghoon's waist, letting his fingertips rest suggestively at the button of Kyunghoon's pants.

"Please," Kyunghoon breathes, and, without further ado, Heechul fumbles the fly undone, shoving his hand inside Kyunghoon's briefs. As soon as he wraps his fingers around Kyunghoon's cock, the effect is electric: Kyunghoon cries out, nearly slamming his head against the wall if it weren't for the protective cradle of Heechul's right hand. "Ssh, I got you," Heechul says, gives him a firm stroke; it's a little too dry, but from his high-pitched whimper, Kyunghoon doesn't seem to mind. The sound makes Heechul's own cock harden, strain against his zipper. He resists the urge to yank down his pants, start jerking off, focuses on gathering the pre-come beading at the tip of Kyunghoon's cock, and with the additional wetness, the glide is better. 

Kyunghoon seems to approve; he drops his forehead onto Heechul's shoulder, all the better for Heechul to hear the broken, helpless sounds he makes, babbling garbled syllables sprinkled with _Heechul_ , _hyung_ , _more_ , unable to form whole words as he fucks into Heechul's fist with minute thrusts. The angle is awkward as hell for Heechul's wrist, but he's too focused on making Kyunghoon feel good, wringing more noises from him, licking languorous lines on Kyunghoon's neck, peppering the exposed skin with small biting kisses in time with his strokes.

Unable to resist, Heechul takes Kyunghoon's blood-red earlobe into his mouth and sucks, hard, and that's it; Kyunghoon comes with a sobbing moan, his hands scrabbling for purchase on Heechul's shirt. His fingernails graze Heechul's stiffening nipples beneath the fabric, and blindsided by the sharp sensation, Heechul's own orgasm swamps his senses like a great ocean wave. By some miracle, he manages to brace the two of them against the wall, chests heaving, sparing them an undignified collapse to the ground in a sweaty, sticky tangle of limbs.

Once he catches his breath, Heechul peels himself off Kyunghoon, tells him, "You're so good," and Kyunghoon shivers, his satiated cock twitching weakly (and isn't that interesting? Heechul resolves to thoroughly explore this discovery at a later date). Heechul withdraws his come-splattered hand and wipes it on Kyunghoon's shirt-tail, figures that he won't mind. There's a telling dark patch on the front of his own pants.

Heechul adjusts himself, cringing at the drying, flaky fabric plastered to his thighs. "Not that I care, but my entire outfit was sponsored, so my stylist is going to kill me for this."

Kyunghoon's laughter is just as lovely to hear after sex as it is at any other time; better, even, because Heechul knows the roughness in it is because of him.

*

They clean themselves up, Kyunghoon tucking in his stained shirt and Heechul finding a spare pair of sweatpants stashed in the waiting-room closet. When Heechul starts stripping, Kyunghoon turns bright red and averts his eyes, too modest for someone who just came by Heechul's hand.

"You don't have to look away, Kyunghoon," he points out, amused. "I have plans to get the both of us naked and horizontal in the near future."

Evidently overwhelmed, Kyunghoon buries his face in his hands, and, oh, that won't do. Having gotten him this far, Heechul intends to watch every and all emotions play out on his expressive face for as long as Kyunghoon will let him.

"I'm so in love with you," he blurts out. It's not the first time he's said the words aloud, or even the tenth; telling Kyunghoon that he loves him is something he does after every impersonation, at every broadcast and radio show and home shopping shill and concert: _sorry not sorry,_ and _I'll do it again,_ and _I'm always thinking about you_ underlying each utterance. But this is the first time he tells this to Kyunghoon and means for him to hear, _I'm so in love with you._

Kyunghoon must understand what he's trying to say, because when he lifts his face, his cheeks and ears are the reddest Heechul's ever seen them. "Baekhyun-ssi," he says nonsensically.

Heechul blinks. Of all the answers he'd thought Kyunghoon would have to his grand declaration of love, an entire decade in the making, Heechul hadn't predicted— _"Excuse me?"_

Kyunghoon looks embarrassed at what he's just said, but forges on, stuttering helplessly. "Baekhyun-ssi is nice, I have nothing against him, and he did a good job singing 'Sweet Dream', but if he sings 'Aftereffects' with you, I'll sic the Buzz fan café on him." He visibly reconsiders. "Once I get my members' permission to do that. Sunghee-hyung might not let me."

Bewildered at how this romantic moment has gone so horribly wrong, Heechul ends up retorting, "In the future, when I ask you to be a guest singer at SMTOWN concerts, it's easier to just say yes, rather than incite a fan war between your 200,000 fans and the EXO-L." Even before Kyunghoon asks, he explains, long-sufferingly, "Baekhyun is a member of EXO, who were guests on our show. Their fans use that name."

"Why are we talking about EXO?" Kyunghoon has the nerve to ask, and Heechul may as well shut him up to spare them both, can't stand to be this far away from his dumb face for more than two seconds—finishes navigating his feet into the sweatpants, reaches for Kyunghoon and kisses his dumb mouth, and again, and again.

As soon as they pull back from each other, slightly, breathing in the same scant inch of air, Kyunghoon cards his fingers through Heechul's hair and tries again, saying, "What I mean is—of everyone, you're my favorite duet partner. I'll always want to stay by your side and sing with you." His eyes are the clearest Heechul's ever seen them, and the happiest, and they're focused only on him. "Buzz and Super Junior, always. Then, us."

**Author's Note:**

> han (한) is a korean cultural concept. this [wikipedia page](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Han_\(cultural\)) tries to define it, and here's an [la times article](http://articles.latimes.com/2011/jan/05/world/la-fg-south-korea-han-20110105) explaining its history.
> 
> tbh, quite a lot of this is inspired by the "love and attention" scene from the movie _lady bird_. i borrowed the army-locker-photo story from kyunghoon's _hidden singer_ episode. according to kyunghoon, '사랑은 가슴이 시킨다 1' (love comes from the heart part one) is one of the top 3 hardest buzz songs to sing (the other two are 사랑은 가슴이 시킨다 parts 2 and 3). 
> 
> if you want to watch some of the videos/listen to the songs referenced in this fic, here's [a yt playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLBuRnFig6p8KAwU6dp08WW4QsC49JP_j0) :)  
>   
>  ~~time to hibernate for the rest of the year π_π~~  
> 


End file.
